Terry Jones
the warden from The Simpsons
Terry Jones
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Catholic Church defends male-only priesthood
"Barring women from being Catholic priests is not the result of sexism 2,000 years ago, it's because women cannot fulfill a basic function of the priesthood, 'standing in the place of Jesus,' a leading British Catholic thinker argued Monday.
"'This teaching is not at all a judgment on women's abilities or rights. It says something about the specific role of the priest in Catholic understanding - which is to represent Jesus, to stand in his place,' argued Father Stephen Wang in a statement sent out by the Catholic Bishops Conference of England and Wales."
"It is clear to church scholars that Christ would not have been able to establish the church and its following without a penis," said Wang's colleague, Fr. Louis Cock. "And how could Christ have walked on water if His center of gravity was in His hips and not His shoulders? Also, I believe the miracle-working gene is found on the Y-chromosome."
"Christ is defined by His masculinity," Cock continued, "if He were alive today He would ride a motorcycle or chopper."
The stance of the church on this issue is supported by Bible scholars and historians alike. Catholic Church historian Fr. Anthony Flesh-Trombone said of the debate, "I mean, women were only briefly ordained Deacons in the church: it was really just a blip," referring to the 1,000-year period of female ordination. "Also, Jesus had Mary Magdalene hanging around and He never asked her to follow Him. Did He?"
"Did He?" Flesh-Trombone continued.
Youth minister and pastoral musician Brother Martin Lovepump also supports the decision. "Do we really want our Christian daughters raised under the impression they are capable of doing the same things men can do? Next thing you know, they'll be trying to excel in standardized testing and run 4 minute miles. We might as well let them play in the NFL."
The mouthpieces of the wolrd's oldest boy's club have spoken: no girls allowed. Flesh-Trombone summed up the church's stance. "If we had ordained women in the church, they'd make it really hard to cover up all the raped kids. And who wants that?"
"'This teaching is not at all a judgment on women's abilities or rights. It says something about the specific role of the priest in Catholic understanding - which is to represent Jesus, to stand in his place,' argued Father Stephen Wang in a statement sent out by the Catholic Bishops Conference of England and Wales."
http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2010/08/30/catholic-church-defends-male-only-priesthood/?hpt=T2
"It is clear to church scholars that Christ would not have been able to establish the church and its following without a penis," said Wang's colleague, Fr. Louis Cock. "And how could Christ have walked on water if His center of gravity was in His hips and not His shoulders? Also, I believe the miracle-working gene is found on the Y-chromosome."
"Christ is defined by His masculinity," Cock continued, "if He were alive today He would ride a motorcycle or chopper."
The stance of the church on this issue is supported by Bible scholars and historians alike. Catholic Church historian Fr. Anthony Flesh-Trombone said of the debate, "I mean, women were only briefly ordained Deacons in the church: it was really just a blip," referring to the 1,000-year period of female ordination. "Also, Jesus had Mary Magdalene hanging around and He never asked her to follow Him. Did He?"
"Did He?" Flesh-Trombone continued.
Youth minister and pastoral musician Brother Martin Lovepump also supports the decision. "Do we really want our Christian daughters raised under the impression they are capable of doing the same things men can do? Next thing you know, they'll be trying to excel in standardized testing and run 4 minute miles. We might as well let them play in the NFL."
The mouthpieces of the wolrd's oldest boy's club have spoken: no girls allowed. Flesh-Trombone summed up the church's stance. "If we had ordained women in the church, they'd make it really hard to cover up all the raped kids. And who wants that?"
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Two-Man Sketch Show
Cast
GILBERT and KEN - young sketch duo
(lights up on a stage)
Gilbert: Hey everybody we're Gilbert and Ken-
Ken: Well, you're Gilbert. I'm Ken!
Gilbert: Wait I thought I was Ken!
Ken: We're gonna do some sketch comedy for you tonight!
Gilbert: Our first scene takes place in the Merry old land of England!
(the two of them take way too much time to set up two chairs and sit in them. They are supposed to be driving in a car in England.)
Ken: Well, Jerry, I sure am satisfied that we decided to take this summer holiday to England!
Gilbert: So am I, Mark! And boy do we ever deserve it! We;ve been working a few too many long hours down at the old work, if you know what I mean!
Ken: Do I ever! But there's one thing I don't understand! Why are everybody driving on the wrong side of the road!
(Gilbert air-swerves the fake steering wheel incredibly ostentatiously and makes a silly Oh! face)
Gilbert: Wait a minute! I think that they drive on the opposite side of the road here in old Londontown!
Ken: Well you'd better pull over and get yourself a British car!
(they get up and scurry around to the next 'scene.' Ken runs back stage to get into his next costume. Takes his time about it. Meanwhile, Gilbert patiently waits on stage totally out-of-character. After a long time. Ken emerges with some really inexplicable costume pieces. Just weird hats or wigs maybe a fake mustache and a different shirt and a tacky sports coat. Maybe he changed his shoes which is totally unnecessary.)
Ken: (in an accent that blends French and Italian and maybe Dominican but stays pretty clear of English) Hello, are you a visitor here in Londontown?
Gilbert: I am, and I'm looking for one of your cars that drives on the opposite side of the road.... How crazy!
Ken: Oh of course, I think I have just the thing for you! Mademoiselle!
(Gilbert runs offstage and takes plenty long changing into this costume. He comes out in tights and a skirt and high heels. Maybe he has breasts somehow. Even though this sort of extreme costume piece is pretty funny, he does not act any differently. Still everything they do is very calm and presentational)
Gilbert: Ah, oui, Monsieur!
Ken: This gentleman is interested in buying an automobile!
Gilbert: Oh, well you'll have to talk to the district manager about that!
(Ken runs off. He is off for a very long time. Eventually, Gilbert walks over to the curtain in his high heels. He pulls back the curtain.)
Gilbert: (to audience) He's killed himself.
(He turns back to the wing, looking down. Lights fade painfully slowly)
GILBERT and KEN - young sketch duo
(lights up on a stage)
Gilbert: Hey everybody we're Gilbert and Ken-
Ken: Well, you're Gilbert. I'm Ken!
Gilbert: Wait I thought I was Ken!
Ken: We're gonna do some sketch comedy for you tonight!
Gilbert: Our first scene takes place in the Merry old land of England!
(the two of them take way too much time to set up two chairs and sit in them. They are supposed to be driving in a car in England.)
Ken: Well, Jerry, I sure am satisfied that we decided to take this summer holiday to England!
Gilbert: So am I, Mark! And boy do we ever deserve it! We;ve been working a few too many long hours down at the old work, if you know what I mean!
Ken: Do I ever! But there's one thing I don't understand! Why are everybody driving on the wrong side of the road!
(Gilbert air-swerves the fake steering wheel incredibly ostentatiously and makes a silly Oh! face)
Gilbert: Wait a minute! I think that they drive on the opposite side of the road here in old Londontown!
Ken: Well you'd better pull over and get yourself a British car!
(they get up and scurry around to the next 'scene.' Ken runs back stage to get into his next costume. Takes his time about it. Meanwhile, Gilbert patiently waits on stage totally out-of-character. After a long time. Ken emerges with some really inexplicable costume pieces. Just weird hats or wigs maybe a fake mustache and a different shirt and a tacky sports coat. Maybe he changed his shoes which is totally unnecessary.)
Ken: (in an accent that blends French and Italian and maybe Dominican but stays pretty clear of English) Hello, are you a visitor here in Londontown?
Gilbert: I am, and I'm looking for one of your cars that drives on the opposite side of the road.... How crazy!
Ken: Oh of course, I think I have just the thing for you! Mademoiselle!
(Gilbert runs offstage and takes plenty long changing into this costume. He comes out in tights and a skirt and high heels. Maybe he has breasts somehow. Even though this sort of extreme costume piece is pretty funny, he does not act any differently. Still everything they do is very calm and presentational)
Gilbert: Ah, oui, Monsieur!
Ken: This gentleman is interested in buying an automobile!
Gilbert: Oh, well you'll have to talk to the district manager about that!
(Ken runs off. He is off for a very long time. Eventually, Gilbert walks over to the curtain in his high heels. He pulls back the curtain.)
Gilbert: (to audience) He's killed himself.
(He turns back to the wing, looking down. Lights fade painfully slowly)
Friday, June 11, 2010
Torture
CAST
Mikhail - a dissident
Lev - a police officer
Fedor - a big torturer
Peter - another dissident
Stanislas - another dissident
(a dank room with one bare light bulb and a chair. You know the drill. Lev storms in, Fedor is behind him, dragging Mikhail.)
Lev: Throw him in the chair.
(Fedor does so)
Mikhail: You can do what you will to me! I’ll never talk!
Lev: Fedor, his fingers.
(Mikhail’s arms are tied behind his back. Fedor goes to him as if to break his fingers. Mikhail winces, but at the last moment Lev signals to stop.)
Lev: Anything... I don’t know... I don’t think you’re as strong-willed as you think you are.
Mikhail: Pig! (he spits at Lev, who quietly wipes his face) You can kill me but you’ll never stop the revolution! Your days are numbered. When the people take over, they will tear you apart like dogs!
Lev: Like dogs!? Like the dogs that they are, yes? You are bold, brazen even. But that comes with youth. Tell me, Mikhail, have you ever been tortured?
(Mikhail does not respond)
Lev: No? No, I didn’t think so. You work on an... ox farm? Do you not? Your father is Vladimirovich the ox-farmer, no?
Mikhail: Leave my father out of-
Lev: Mikhail! What do I want with your father, a simple ox-farmer? (beat) On the ox farm, you’ve doubtless broken a finger before? Yoking the oxen?
Mikhail: (bold) I’ve broken my entire hand.
Lev: Ah. Well then. Imagine every bone in your hand - (he nods to Fedor, who menacingly stands behind Mikhail, just out of his sight.) - being broken - one after the other. Moments will seem like hours, but we’ll keep you here for days! Until you tell us what we want to know! When and where will the dissidents attack?
Mikhail: I would rather be tortured and killed like a dog than live like one.
Lev: (raisin the stakes...) Very well. Fedor?
Fedor: (kinda excited) His fingers, sir?
Lev: No Fedor, he’ll need his fingers.
Fedor: (total 180) Good God, sir, no. Not that?
Lev: Yes, Fedor.
Fedor: Please, just let me break his hands, he doesn’t deserve this: no one does.
Lev: Fedor!
Fedor: (after a beat) yes sir.
(Mikhail is getting worried by all this. Fedor ties Mikhail into the chair and unties his hands. He then rolls out a laptop on a small table and places it directly in front of Mikhail)
Mikhail: (terrified) What’s this?
Lev: Make a PowerPoint.
Mikhail: What!?
(this is the worst possible form of torture. Fedor is overwhelmed, even Lev is conflicted going so far as to force this on Mikhail. The following lines overlap)
Lev: Yes. Make a PowerPoint, no less than 70 slides.
Mikhail: No!
Lev: With media on every slide.
Mikhail: What?
Lev: And interesting, unique transitions. Nothing cheesy.
Mikhail: You’re a monster! (beat) On what topic?
Lev: (beat) The principles of economics
Mikhail: Good God in heaven, you have no soul!
Lev: And only 40 of the slides may have images
Mikhail: What!?
Lev: And only 25 of those may be graphs.
Fedor: (breaking down) Please, sir, have mercy!
Lev: And make it interesting
Mikhail: But- Economics? I don’t know anything about Economics
Lev: Then you’d better learn fast. Because you must present it in exactly seven hours!
Mikhail: What?
Lev: to the rest of the political dissidents imprisoned here. AND you must take notes on their presentations.
Mikhail: Oh God have mercy! Take me now!
Lev: You can still talk! Tell me, when will the underground attack?
(Mikhail pants and sighs. It’s tempting)
Mikhail: No! No! I’ll never do it! (he puts his hands on the keyboard and starts typing. As he works he is screaming in agony)
Mikhail: File!... New Presentation!... Ahhg. Titled,... “the Basics of Economics”
Lev: You can do better than that!
Mikhail: Ok! Ok! “The Gateway to Global Understanding,” subhead “the fundamental principles of Economics.”
Lev: It will do. Go on.
Mikhail: Slide one! Ahhghg... Supply and demand...
(there is a commotion offstage)
Fedor: Sir?
(Peter and Stanislas enter with knives. Fedor narrowly escapes. Stanislas detains Lev. Peter pushes the computer away and unties Mikhail)
Stanislas: Not so fast, dog.
Mikhail: Thank you Peter, good God, Peter, thank you.
Peter: Mikhail, Mikhail, are you alright?
Stanislas: Did you talk? Mikhail, what did you say?
Mikhail: Nothing! Nothing, I said nothing.
Lev: Free me at once!
Stanislas: Good man.
Peter: What did they make you do?
Mikhail: A PowerPoint.
Peter: Good God (Peter and Stanislas look at Lev with disgust. Stanislas punches him in the gut)
Stanislas: You’re an animal.
Peter: You’re a stronger man than me.
Stanislas: You just told them when, you didn’t say where. Anyway, it gave us our chance to escape.
Mikhail: What did they make you do?
Stanislas: I’d rather not say.
Peter: (getting emotional) It was a- French workbook. Vocabulary. Irregular verb conjugation.
Mikhail: Stay strong. Let’s just get out of here. That guard will surely cause trouble.
(Mikhail and Peter exit)
Lev: Unhand me at once! You’ll regret this!
Stanislas: I don’t think so. You’re ours now.
Lev: Just kill me now and be done with it!
Stanislas: Kill you? Oh no! We won’t kill you. We’ll just see how you manage writing a short paper about Jean Cocteau’s use of vaginal imagery in his films.
Lev: Noooooo!
(Stanislas drags him off)
Mikhail - a dissident
Lev - a police officer
Fedor - a big torturer
Peter - another dissident
Stanislas - another dissident
(a dank room with one bare light bulb and a chair. You know the drill. Lev storms in, Fedor is behind him, dragging Mikhail.)
Lev: Throw him in the chair.
(Fedor does so)
Mikhail: You can do what you will to me! I’ll never talk!
Lev: Fedor, his fingers.
(Mikhail’s arms are tied behind his back. Fedor goes to him as if to break his fingers. Mikhail winces, but at the last moment Lev signals to stop.)
Lev: Anything... I don’t know... I don’t think you’re as strong-willed as you think you are.
Mikhail: Pig! (he spits at Lev, who quietly wipes his face) You can kill me but you’ll never stop the revolution! Your days are numbered. When the people take over, they will tear you apart like dogs!
Lev: Like dogs!? Like the dogs that they are, yes? You are bold, brazen even. But that comes with youth. Tell me, Mikhail, have you ever been tortured?
(Mikhail does not respond)
Lev: No? No, I didn’t think so. You work on an... ox farm? Do you not? Your father is Vladimirovich the ox-farmer, no?
Mikhail: Leave my father out of-
Lev: Mikhail! What do I want with your father, a simple ox-farmer? (beat) On the ox farm, you’ve doubtless broken a finger before? Yoking the oxen?
Mikhail: (bold) I’ve broken my entire hand.
Lev: Ah. Well then. Imagine every bone in your hand - (he nods to Fedor, who menacingly stands behind Mikhail, just out of his sight.) - being broken - one after the other. Moments will seem like hours, but we’ll keep you here for days! Until you tell us what we want to know! When and where will the dissidents attack?
Mikhail: I would rather be tortured and killed like a dog than live like one.
Lev: (raisin the stakes...) Very well. Fedor?
Fedor: (kinda excited) His fingers, sir?
Lev: No Fedor, he’ll need his fingers.
Fedor: (total 180) Good God, sir, no. Not that?
Lev: Yes, Fedor.
Fedor: Please, just let me break his hands, he doesn’t deserve this: no one does.
Lev: Fedor!
Fedor: (after a beat) yes sir.
(Mikhail is getting worried by all this. Fedor ties Mikhail into the chair and unties his hands. He then rolls out a laptop on a small table and places it directly in front of Mikhail)
Mikhail: (terrified) What’s this?
Lev: Make a PowerPoint.
Mikhail: What!?
(this is the worst possible form of torture. Fedor is overwhelmed, even Lev is conflicted going so far as to force this on Mikhail. The following lines overlap)
Lev: Yes. Make a PowerPoint, no less than 70 slides.
Mikhail: No!
Lev: With media on every slide.
Mikhail: What?
Lev: And interesting, unique transitions. Nothing cheesy.
Mikhail: You’re a monster! (beat) On what topic?
Lev: (beat) The principles of economics
Mikhail: Good God in heaven, you have no soul!
Lev: And only 40 of the slides may have images
Mikhail: What!?
Lev: And only 25 of those may be graphs.
Fedor: (breaking down) Please, sir, have mercy!
Lev: And make it interesting
Mikhail: But- Economics? I don’t know anything about Economics
Lev: Then you’d better learn fast. Because you must present it in exactly seven hours!
Mikhail: What?
Lev: to the rest of the political dissidents imprisoned here. AND you must take notes on their presentations.
Mikhail: Oh God have mercy! Take me now!
Lev: You can still talk! Tell me, when will the underground attack?
(Mikhail pants and sighs. It’s tempting)
Mikhail: No! No! I’ll never do it! (he puts his hands on the keyboard and starts typing. As he works he is screaming in agony)
Mikhail: File!... New Presentation!... Ahhg. Titled,... “the Basics of Economics”
Lev: You can do better than that!
Mikhail: Ok! Ok! “The Gateway to Global Understanding,” subhead “the fundamental principles of Economics.”
Lev: It will do. Go on.
Mikhail: Slide one! Ahhghg... Supply and demand...
(there is a commotion offstage)
Fedor: Sir?
(Peter and Stanislas enter with knives. Fedor narrowly escapes. Stanislas detains Lev. Peter pushes the computer away and unties Mikhail)
Stanislas: Not so fast, dog.
Mikhail: Thank you Peter, good God, Peter, thank you.
Peter: Mikhail, Mikhail, are you alright?
Stanislas: Did you talk? Mikhail, what did you say?
Mikhail: Nothing! Nothing, I said nothing.
Lev: Free me at once!
Stanislas: Good man.
Peter: What did they make you do?
Mikhail: A PowerPoint.
Peter: Good God (Peter and Stanislas look at Lev with disgust. Stanislas punches him in the gut)
Stanislas: You’re an animal.
Peter: You’re a stronger man than me.
Stanislas: You just told them when, you didn’t say where. Anyway, it gave us our chance to escape.
Mikhail: What did they make you do?
Stanislas: I’d rather not say.
Peter: (getting emotional) It was a- French workbook. Vocabulary. Irregular verb conjugation.
Mikhail: Stay strong. Let’s just get out of here. That guard will surely cause trouble.
(Mikhail and Peter exit)
Lev: Unhand me at once! You’ll regret this!
Stanislas: I don’t think so. You’re ours now.
Lev: Just kill me now and be done with it!
Stanislas: Kill you? Oh no! We won’t kill you. We’ll just see how you manage writing a short paper about Jean Cocteau’s use of vaginal imagery in his films.
Lev: Noooooo!
(Stanislas drags him off)
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Mr. Sammykins
CAST:
Janice - woman in her late 30's. Desperately lonely
Brett - co-worker
Andrew - co-worker
(All employees are sitting at desks facing front. They are fielding phone calls quietly. This is some horrible office situation where presumably all anyone ever does is redirect phone calls and wish to be dead or fired.)
(Janice's phone rings)
Janice: Hello you've reached Monumentall, inc., this is Janice speaking, how can I serve you today? ... Oh hello mother! ... Oh it's been fine, been fine over here. ... No, should be home no later'n usual, be able to catch all of our shows tonight. ... Uh-huh. ... No that's fine, what do we need? ... Uh-huh ok, milk... yeahss... corn bread mix... alright... swiffer refills. ... dry or wet jet?.... dry or wet jet?... dry or wet jet?.... mmmk I'll just pick up some of both. Mmmk is that it? (sudden change of voice) Oh does wittle Mr. Sammykins need new kitty cat litter? Uh-oh. Doesn't Mr. Sammykins have anywhere to put his poopies? Oh no! Oh no! Yeah, put him on. ... Hello. ... Hello Mr Sammykins... Hello Mr. Sammykins... Hi... Hi... Hi... yeah... Oh yeah?... Oh yeah?... is this your mommy? Yeah... yeah it's your mommy. Is this your mommy, Mr. Sammykins? Yeah... Oh yeah?... Oh yeah? Then what?... Oh really? Did she say that? ... Who said that? ... Did gramma say that? ... Uh - huh ? ... She did! Oh no! Well what did you say? ... Really? ... Really? ... She did not... Well what did you do? (she listens for a really long time) You didn't! ... Mr. Sammykins! Mr. Sammykins, I only wish I were as brave as you are. Yeah. Yeah, Mr. Sammykins, you. I wanna be just like you! Just like you Mr. Sammykins! No, I won't tell her anything. No, I won't tell her you said anything. Ok. ... Ok, Mr. Sammykins. I love you too, Mr. Sammykins. Yeah, put her back on. No, I won't tell her you said anything. Ok, bye. (beat. No very knowingly) Hi, mom... yeah. Uh-huh, sure sounds like everything's going pretty well over there, huh? Oh really? Well did you and Mr. Sammykins have any difficulties today? Oh, I don't know... anything. Any... altercations? Ah-ha, no, nothing at all. Well, I'll be off then. ... Ok, see you soon mom. Yuh-huh. Ok, I love you too.
(She hangs up. Gathers her stuff, and while avoiding acknowledgment from anyone in the room, she slinks away)
(Beat)
Brett: Damn, that bitch is CRAzy.
Andrew: (taking out his earphones) What's that?
Brett: This Janice lady. She's completely nuts!
Andrew: Oh, that. Yeah, but she's totally harmless. Just ignore her. Or get some of these (his headphones)
Brett: She's always been like this?
Andrew: As long as I've been here. (he puts his headphones back on. Stops) Some people say she's gotten worse since her mom and cat died in that murder-suicide. (he shrugs, puts on his headphones)
Janice - woman in her late 30's. Desperately lonely
Brett - co-worker
Andrew - co-worker
(All employees are sitting at desks facing front. They are fielding phone calls quietly. This is some horrible office situation where presumably all anyone ever does is redirect phone calls and wish to be dead or fired.)
(Janice's phone rings)
Janice: Hello you've reached Monumentall, inc., this is Janice speaking, how can I serve you today? ... Oh hello mother! ... Oh it's been fine, been fine over here. ... No, should be home no later'n usual, be able to catch all of our shows tonight. ... Uh-huh. ... No that's fine, what do we need? ... Uh-huh ok, milk... yeahss... corn bread mix... alright... swiffer refills. ... dry or wet jet?.... dry or wet jet?... dry or wet jet?.... mmmk I'll just pick up some of both. Mmmk is that it? (sudden change of voice) Oh does wittle Mr. Sammykins need new kitty cat litter? Uh-oh. Doesn't Mr. Sammykins have anywhere to put his poopies? Oh no! Oh no! Yeah, put him on. ... Hello. ... Hello Mr Sammykins... Hello Mr. Sammykins... Hi... Hi... Hi... yeah... Oh yeah?... Oh yeah?... is this your mommy? Yeah... yeah it's your mommy. Is this your mommy, Mr. Sammykins? Yeah... Oh yeah?... Oh yeah? Then what?... Oh really? Did she say that? ... Who said that? ... Did gramma say that? ... Uh - huh ? ... She did! Oh no! Well what did you say? ... Really? ... Really? ... She did not... Well what did you do? (she listens for a really long time) You didn't! ... Mr. Sammykins! Mr. Sammykins, I only wish I were as brave as you are. Yeah. Yeah, Mr. Sammykins, you. I wanna be just like you! Just like you Mr. Sammykins! No, I won't tell her anything. No, I won't tell her you said anything. Ok. ... Ok, Mr. Sammykins. I love you too, Mr. Sammykins. Yeah, put her back on. No, I won't tell her you said anything. Ok, bye. (beat. No very knowingly) Hi, mom... yeah. Uh-huh, sure sounds like everything's going pretty well over there, huh? Oh really? Well did you and Mr. Sammykins have any difficulties today? Oh, I don't know... anything. Any... altercations? Ah-ha, no, nothing at all. Well, I'll be off then. ... Ok, see you soon mom. Yuh-huh. Ok, I love you too.
(She hangs up. Gathers her stuff, and while avoiding acknowledgment from anyone in the room, she slinks away)
(Beat)
Brett: Damn, that bitch is CRAzy.
Andrew: (taking out his earphones) What's that?
Brett: This Janice lady. She's completely nuts!
Andrew: Oh, that. Yeah, but she's totally harmless. Just ignore her. Or get some of these (his headphones)
Brett: She's always been like this?
Andrew: As long as I've been here. (he puts his headphones back on. Stops) Some people say she's gotten worse since her mom and cat died in that murder-suicide. (he shrugs, puts on his headphones)
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Where Do You Get Off?
(The scene is a crowded bus, regular bus activity. It’s pretty packed, and the driver stops to let some more people on)
Bus Voice: (read entirely with that flat bus voice) As a courtesy to boarding customers, please move to the rear of the bus. Please give up your seats to elderly patrons or persons with disabilities. (JESSE boards) Or even for this guy. This guy has had a really really bad day. Just look at him. (beat. He is pawing through his wallet) Uh-oh. (beat) Looks like he doesn’t have his CTA pass. He just spent $86 on that thing and now it’s gone. And on top of it all, all he has on him is a 5. Damn. He knows the bus driver doesn’t have change but he’s going to embarrass himself by asking anyway cause he doesn’t want to blow another five bucks - after losing 86 - on a bus ride. A bus ride where he has to stand. (beat) Come on people, show some decency. He’s soaking wet. It’s not even raining that hard out there, he must’ve been pushed into a gutter or something. His CTA card’s probably still floating in there. Anyone? You know his day’s not over yet either. I bet he doesn’t have his keys. Or he’s gonna get mugged or a car’s gonna hit him and he’ll break his shoulderblade. You can’t let him just sit down for 10 minutes? I can’t believe this. (beat) You’d ALL be getting up if he were blind. And blind people don’t ALWAYS need you to move for them. Sometimes they just like to stand. But if a blind person, or even a person with gray hair boarded this bus, let alone somebody in a wheelchair... Good God, when that ramp comes down, 2/3s of you are in the back quarter of the bus before the hydraulic lift is even engaged. But you won’t let this guy - this one guy who’s just been shit on since the moment he woke up today, get 10 minutes of rest before he steps back out into that shit-storm of a world that’s obviously out to get him. (beat) Fuck him, right? Yeah, well enjoy the seat now, it’ll be you tomorrow.
(Some chump gets off)
Thank you for riding the CTA.
Bus Voice: (read entirely with that flat bus voice) As a courtesy to boarding customers, please move to the rear of the bus. Please give up your seats to elderly patrons or persons with disabilities. (JESSE boards) Or even for this guy. This guy has had a really really bad day. Just look at him. (beat. He is pawing through his wallet) Uh-oh. (beat) Looks like he doesn’t have his CTA pass. He just spent $86 on that thing and now it’s gone. And on top of it all, all he has on him is a 5. Damn. He knows the bus driver doesn’t have change but he’s going to embarrass himself by asking anyway cause he doesn’t want to blow another five bucks - after losing 86 - on a bus ride. A bus ride where he has to stand. (beat) Come on people, show some decency. He’s soaking wet. It’s not even raining that hard out there, he must’ve been pushed into a gutter or something. His CTA card’s probably still floating in there. Anyone? You know his day’s not over yet either. I bet he doesn’t have his keys. Or he’s gonna get mugged or a car’s gonna hit him and he’ll break his shoulderblade. You can’t let him just sit down for 10 minutes? I can’t believe this. (beat) You’d ALL be getting up if he were blind. And blind people don’t ALWAYS need you to move for them. Sometimes they just like to stand. But if a blind person, or even a person with gray hair boarded this bus, let alone somebody in a wheelchair... Good God, when that ramp comes down, 2/3s of you are in the back quarter of the bus before the hydraulic lift is even engaged. But you won’t let this guy - this one guy who’s just been shit on since the moment he woke up today, get 10 minutes of rest before he steps back out into that shit-storm of a world that’s obviously out to get him. (beat) Fuck him, right? Yeah, well enjoy the seat now, it’ll be you tomorrow.
(Some chump gets off)
Thank you for riding the CTA.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Marmaduke
We all need to get on the same page about this Marmaduke business.
Confirming what you must have already heard, yes there is a Marmaduke movie coming out this summer. To those of you asking if it will star George Lopez and Owen Wilson - yes it will.
Let's compare this to the other comic strip that was recently made into a live-action movie - Garfield. While the quality and popularity of Garfield is disputable, at least people understand the basic premise: loser owns stupid dog and sarcastic cat that can talk - or at least think in English. Bland though it may be, there's at least something to latch onto there. In the case of Marmaduke, I don't think most people could sum it up in a sentence (family owns ordinary, illiterate dog?) and there's really nothing else to it. Exactly what potential did the screenwriters see in this premise? If the sequel to Babies were Dogs, it might be the same movie as Marmaduke.
Some dumb movies have been made (Beverly Hills Chihuahua, My Boss's Daughter) and while many of them have starred Owen Wilson, this one is unprecedented. And so, I think we all need to rally around it and either make it a huge, stupid summer nut-buster like Snakes on a Plane was or all collectively decide to not see it, not one of us, like with Speedracer.
I don't want to push my own agenda here (though I am admittedly leaning towards giving this one the Speedracer treatment) but I do think we need to unite around this film - the likes of which we may never see again - and give it the consideration it deserves.
Your thoughts?
Confirming what you must have already heard, yes there is a Marmaduke movie coming out this summer. To those of you asking if it will star George Lopez and Owen Wilson - yes it will.
Let's compare this to the other comic strip that was recently made into a live-action movie - Garfield. While the quality and popularity of Garfield is disputable, at least people understand the basic premise: loser owns stupid dog and sarcastic cat that can talk - or at least think in English. Bland though it may be, there's at least something to latch onto there. In the case of Marmaduke, I don't think most people could sum it up in a sentence (family owns ordinary, illiterate dog?) and there's really nothing else to it. Exactly what potential did the screenwriters see in this premise? If the sequel to Babies were Dogs, it might be the same movie as Marmaduke.
Some dumb movies have been made (Beverly Hills Chihuahua, My Boss's Daughter) and while many of them have starred Owen Wilson, this one is unprecedented. And so, I think we all need to rally around it and either make it a huge, stupid summer nut-buster like Snakes on a Plane was or all collectively decide to not see it, not one of us, like with Speedracer.
I don't want to push my own agenda here (though I am admittedly leaning towards giving this one the Speedracer treatment) but I do think we need to unite around this film - the likes of which we may never see again - and give it the consideration it deserves.
Your thoughts?
Monday, March 15, 2010
Jay Hawks/Moutain Hawks and other March 18, Midwest Conf. Games
In the March 18th match-up of the Kansas Jayhawks against the Lehigh Mountain Hawks, the Mountain Hawks have a distinct advantage of being a real animal. However, I must resist the temptation of underestimating something simply because it does not exist. Take, for example, The War of the Worlds radio broadcast, Steve Pribby Moots, and dinosaurs. And also, because that deranged little bastard mascot of theirs looks like some cross between Heckel & Jeckel and the Chuckie doll from the Child's Play films, I am rather intimidated by it. Perhaps it would lure the unassuming mountain hawk to it and then stab it in the neck with a straight razor. And so, I'm picking Kansas over Lehigh.
A slightly more interesting match-up, I'd say, will be played earlier that evening, when the 8-seeded UNLV Rebels go up against 9-seeded Northern Iowa Panthers. As you see, I'm sure, I like to illustrate my predictions, but to do that, I first need to settle on avatars for these two teams. You may know the UNLV logo represents themselves with a Yosemite Sam-lookin rebel, but I prefer a more James Dean style rebel, so I'm crossing the two and representing UNLV with the cracked-out, bearded incarnation of Joaquin Phoenix. As per the panthers, I have chosen to use the same image on the wikipedia page for Cougars a.k.a. Mountain Lions a.k.a Catamounts a.k.a. Panthers for every team in this tournament represented by a cougar, mountain lion, catamount, or panther. And in the pairing of Joaquin Phoenix vs. a Cougar, I pick the cougar.
In the game of Aztecs vs. Volunteers, despite their gumption, strength in numbers, and access to various tools, I have to wager the Volunteers will be massacred by the angry Aztec gods, whose precise mathematical calculations have astonished mathematicians for years.
In the pairing of Georgetown and Ohio, my money is on the bobcats to nom up the hoya.
Keep checking in for daily posts and predictions!
A slightly more interesting match-up, I'd say, will be played earlier that evening, when the 8-seeded UNLV Rebels go up against 9-seeded Northern Iowa Panthers. As you see, I'm sure, I like to illustrate my predictions, but to do that, I first need to settle on avatars for these two teams. You may know the UNLV logo represents themselves with a Yosemite Sam-lookin rebel, but I prefer a more James Dean style rebel, so I'm crossing the two and representing UNLV with the cracked-out, bearded incarnation of Joaquin Phoenix. As per the panthers, I have chosen to use the same image on the wikipedia page for Cougars a.k.a. Mountain Lions a.k.a Catamounts a.k.a. Panthers for every team in this tournament represented by a cougar, mountain lion, catamount, or panther. And in the pairing of Joaquin Phoenix vs. a Cougar, I pick the cougar.
In the game of Aztecs vs. Volunteers, despite their gumption, strength in numbers, and access to various tools, I have to wager the Volunteers will be massacred by the angry Aztec gods, whose precise mathematical calculations have astonished mathematicians for years.
In the pairing of Georgetown and Ohio, my money is on the bobcats to nom up the hoya.
Keep checking in for daily posts and predictions!
NCAA Championships Kick-Off
It's that time of year again, when everyone forgets about foreign disasters and stops poring over cached photos discovered in the storage garage of a recently apprehended serial killer and turn on Basketball. That's right, this week kicks off the 2010 NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament, and tomorrow marks the most exciting and talked-about game of the whole tournament: the Southern Division 16th-seed play-in game, in which, this year, the Eagles of Winthrop will take on the highly-favored Golden Lions of Arkansas-Pine Bluff. Will the winning team defeat Duke and perhaps win the Championship (held this year in Indianapolis, in honor of the Colts losing the Super Bowl) on April 5? Only time will tell.
Concerning this all-important first game of the series, most people have favorited the Arkansas-Pine Bluff Golden Lions (pictured below with Darren Aronofsky) to advance onto the Salient Sixty-Four over the Winthrop Eagles (also pictured below) and I am not one to go against this prediction.
Some have suggested that the Eagles have an extreme advantage over the Gloden Lions with their ability to fly. However, I do not think this defrays the great size advantage lions have over eagles. Also, to cite precedent, I think we all know cases of a cat eating a bird, but the other way around? Surely never. Also, examine the detailed image below of a Golden Lion presented to David Lynch at the Venice Film Festival in 2006.
As you can see, just like the eagle, the lion is winged too! This levels the playing field, just as it would to cut off the eagle's wings, or to make them fight underwater, and both of these two scenarios would result in wins for the lion, or perhaps a tie at the very worst in the second instance.
And so I say with relative certainty that the Golden Lions are a lock, but only time will tell if they should go on to win the Championship.
Keep checking in to This Blog Will Change Calder's Life for more NCAA predictions!
Concerning this all-important first game of the series, most people have favorited the Arkansas-Pine Bluff Golden Lions (pictured below with Darren Aronofsky) to advance onto the Salient Sixty-Four over the Winthrop Eagles (also pictured below) and I am not one to go against this prediction.
Some have suggested that the Eagles have an extreme advantage over the Gloden Lions with their ability to fly. However, I do not think this defrays the great size advantage lions have over eagles. Also, to cite precedent, I think we all know cases of a cat eating a bird, but the other way around? Surely never. Also, examine the detailed image below of a Golden Lion presented to David Lynch at the Venice Film Festival in 2006.
As you can see, just like the eagle, the lion is winged too! This levels the playing field, just as it would to cut off the eagle's wings, or to make them fight underwater, and both of these two scenarios would result in wins for the lion, or perhaps a tie at the very worst in the second instance.
And so I say with relative certainty that the Golden Lions are a lock, but only time will tell if they should go on to win the Championship.
Keep checking in to This Blog Will Change Calder's Life for more NCAA predictions!
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Great Mistakes
I finished reading Deadstream, and it has easily secured itself as the worst thing I've ever read. I don't even know what would be number 2, because I've never read anything before that was written so poorly that it made me angry. And I think I know why. I did a little research on Xlibris, the publisher who had ostensibly paid this guy to print his book, and discovered that they don't sign contracts with authors , but they charge for any crazy zealot on the street to have his manifesto printed. Needless to say, they do not copy edit. So we can all rest assured that a book like this would never be published by any respected publishing house. That said, if you find, it read it. But don't buy.
Also, anyone who opts to take the "knowledge is power" road over the "ignorance is bliss" option must read A People's History. I've only read the first two chapters and feel a great weight of guilt. Guilt for our treatment of the original inhabitants of this land upon arrival and for the long period (1619 -1863) during which we depended on slavery (that's 244 years of legal slavery, 147 years and counting of emancipation. Not a great track record for a country whose first major political document states that "all men are created equal"). Also, in the earliest years of our colonization, the first settlers were struggling even to survive. They occasionally resorted to cannibalism. It was those first slaves brought over in the early 17th century that saved them. It is stirring to discover just how heavy and deeply-rooted the foundation of slavery is, upon which the American empire is built. Zinn cites that, in Virginia, at the end of the 17th century, one-twelfth of the population were slaves. By 1763, it was fifty percent. He asserts on the first page of chapter two that "there is not a country in world history in which racism has been more important, for so long a time, as in the United States." (23)
Also, anyone who opts to take the "knowledge is power" road over the "ignorance is bliss" option must read A People's History. I've only read the first two chapters and feel a great weight of guilt. Guilt for our treatment of the original inhabitants of this land upon arrival and for the long period (1619 -1863) during which we depended on slavery (that's 244 years of legal slavery, 147 years and counting of emancipation. Not a great track record for a country whose first major political document states that "all men are created equal"). Also, in the earliest years of our colonization, the first settlers were struggling even to survive. They occasionally resorted to cannibalism. It was those first slaves brought over in the early 17th century that saved them. It is stirring to discover just how heavy and deeply-rooted the foundation of slavery is, upon which the American empire is built. Zinn cites that, in Virginia, at the end of the 17th century, one-twelfth of the population were slaves. By 1763, it was fifty percent. He asserts on the first page of chapter two that "there is not a country in world history in which racism has been more important, for so long a time, as in the United States." (23)
Friday, January 29, 2010
Books by the Foot!
I just saw an ad here on my very own blog for "Books by the Foot." It's for designers trying to fill a bookshelf for aesthetic purposes or to make some jackass's spare room look like an office. I bet they've got some pretty interesting titles...
Memoriam
Whelp, two of the authors I mentioned in my post on Tuesday died on Wednesday. Howard Zinn, author of the People's History of the United States (among many other works) at age 87, and J. D. Salinger, author of Catcher in the Rye (among many other works) aged 91 years. It is fascinating to me that these two magnificent Americans, each making a huge impact on American culture, and each having made some impact on the other, will be eternally bound in sharing their date of death, despite one being a notorious recluse and the other an outspoken political activist. As a small token (and in keeping with humanity's tendency to appreciate someone's work after they've passed) I'll be moving these two works to the top of my list. The remaining 30 pages of Catcher, which I started two years ago, and the remaining 671 pages of History, which I bought this summer and by which I am terrified.
So watch the Upright Citizens Brigade episode entitled "The Little Donny Foundation" and listen to the song "Down" by Pearl Jam to honor these two great men.
So watch the Upright Citizens Brigade episode entitled "The Little Donny Foundation" and listen to the song "Down" by Pearl Jam to honor these two great men.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Start with a Bang
In my attempt to work my way through a wall of accumulated books (a small wall. A modest wall) I naturally decide to start with my most recent acquisition: A novel by Bradley T. Platt from the small publishing house Xlibris, entitled Deadstream. It is by far the most poorly-written book I have ever read. Apart from occasionally omitted apostrophes (which is sin enough) the tense changes constantly. The narrative is in past tense, but every scene of dialogue is in present. Either this is a really bizarre and ineffective choice, a casualty of trying to overhaul an entire draft from one tense to another (with grave oversights), or neither author nor editor knows the rules of tense. In certain instances, the tense changes midsentence. "...she says in disbelief as she felt the words blurt out." (56) This is the sort of thing that gets ironed out in a peer workshop for a 100-level creative writing class. I will also point out how poorly that same passage is phrased. How do you feel words blurt out? And do words even blurt? I'd say a person blurts words: words don't blurt themselves. This book is full of irritating errors like this.
It was the low-quality British literature being shipped overseas the the New World that upset James Fenimore Cooper into becoming the first American-born novelist, and look what that made him: famous enough for American couples 200 years later to name their sons Cooper. Perhaps in the year 2200, "Harpe" will be a mildly popular boys name, and all because I spitefully wrote a response to a book I didn't like.
One can hope.
It was my grandmother who lent me this book, which deals with heroin trafficking into Michigan through Canada and a boy whose mother commits suicide. I think it was the fact that the author is Michigan-born and living in Chicago that made my grandma think of me. This is what I take away from reading it: if this can get published, anyone can get anything published if they are persistent.
In Here's the Kicker: Conversations with 21 Top Humor Writers on their Craft by Mike Sacks, Ben Karlin (writer for the Daily Show and the Colbert Report) writes, "The best advice I ever received was from my first boss at the Onion. He believed you needed three things to be successful in comedy, but I think it applies to almost anything. First, you need natural talent. Second, you need skill development. Third, you need ambition. Everyone's ratio is different, but the most successful people have all of them. It helps to have a fourth thing, too, but I don't know what it is." (147) Maybe it's good grammar.
Enter text here.
It was the low-quality British literature being shipped overseas the the New World that upset James Fenimore Cooper into becoming the first American-born novelist, and look what that made him: famous enough for American couples 200 years later to name their sons Cooper. Perhaps in the year 2200, "Harpe" will be a mildly popular boys name, and all because I spitefully wrote a response to a book I didn't like.
One can hope.
It was my grandmother who lent me this book, which deals with heroin trafficking into Michigan through Canada and a boy whose mother commits suicide. I think it was the fact that the author is Michigan-born and living in Chicago that made my grandma think of me. This is what I take away from reading it: if this can get published, anyone can get anything published if they are persistent.
In Here's the Kicker: Conversations with 21 Top Humor Writers on their Craft by Mike Sacks, Ben Karlin (writer for the Daily Show and the Colbert Report) writes, "The best advice I ever received was from my first boss at the Onion. He believed you needed three things to be successful in comedy, but I think it applies to almost anything. First, you need natural talent. Second, you need skill development. Third, you need ambition. Everyone's ratio is different, but the most successful people have all of them. It helps to have a fourth thing, too, but I don't know what it is." (147) Maybe it's good grammar.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Gettin Bizay
To my handsome, vivacious, and - above all - faithful readers,
We've walked through the fire together here at TBWCYL, and during its regal 2-month tenure, you've doubtless found yourselves healthier, wealthier, stealthier and no less than 2x more attractive than you've ever been before. It will satisfy you to hear that after 60-days of atrophy and one night of sleepy retooling, this blog will resume changing your life. In the coming months, I hope to enable all of my readers to leap on top of one-story buildings.
My new format is inspired by the 50-some books and plays I've collected over the years and have either never read (Papillon, Live from New York, Leaves of Grass), have started reading and abandoned (Purple Hibiscus, Catcher in the Rye, Cures), or am currently reading (Mountains Beyond Mountains, Kill Your Idols, The People's History of the United States [oof]). As I bushwhack through these volumes on my bookshelf (also including Bob Dylan's Chronicles, the Truth that Leads to Eternal Life, and the Complete Works of Shakespeare) I will regale you with quotes, criticisms, Earth-shattering insight and deep emotional responses, all the while grappling with my own insecurity as I struggle to get my book of dirty crosswords and my Holocaust "memoir" published.
It'll be like Bridget Jones' Diary meets the New York Times Review of Books.
So don your waders and trudge with me through my swamp library. What do you have to lose (other than time wasted reading yet another potentially-worthless blog)?
We've walked through the fire together here at TBWCYL, and during its regal 2-month tenure, you've doubtless found yourselves healthier, wealthier, stealthier and no less than 2x more attractive than you've ever been before. It will satisfy you to hear that after 60-days of atrophy and one night of sleepy retooling, this blog will resume changing your life. In the coming months, I hope to enable all of my readers to leap on top of one-story buildings.
My new format is inspired by the 50-some books and plays I've collected over the years and have either never read (Papillon, Live from New York, Leaves of Grass), have started reading and abandoned (Purple Hibiscus, Catcher in the Rye, Cures), or am currently reading (Mountains Beyond Mountains, Kill Your Idols, The People's History of the United States [oof]). As I bushwhack through these volumes on my bookshelf (also including Bob Dylan's Chronicles, the Truth that Leads to Eternal Life, and the Complete Works of Shakespeare) I will regale you with quotes, criticisms, Earth-shattering insight and deep emotional responses, all the while grappling with my own insecurity as I struggle to get my book of dirty crosswords and my Holocaust "memoir" published.
It'll be like Bridget Jones' Diary meets the New York Times Review of Books.
So don your waders and trudge with me through my swamp library. What do you have to lose (other than time wasted reading yet another potentially-worthless blog)?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)